Just A Look.

Look at me,
I’m the ice tea that will,
Quench your thirst on a hot summer’s night.

Look at me,
I’m made of a hundred percent pure spirit,
To intoxicate in the red lights of a bar.

Look at me,
I can be who you want me to be,
Because everything is always just as you want.

Look at me,
Last night’s escapades are still as bright,
As the smoke and lights of the venue.

Look at me,
Can you just imagine us,
Starting it again in the middle of this storm.

Why the fuck are you looking at me,
When you can’t even see
Just me.

Why the fuck are you looking at me,
If there are others around,
Who you value more.

Why the fuck are you looking at me,
Despite the apathy,
Which you harbour.

Why the fuck are you looking at me,
If you know that you couldn’t care less,
About these little occassions.

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In the silence.

 

I hate thinking about revenge.

But unfortunately that is all I can think of when someone has been a complete jerk.

All I can do is imagine all the situations in which I would tell him;

“I’m so angry at you, I feel like I could slap you,”

“We are not friends though,”

“How could you be so heartless?”

And so on.

The fantasies fill my head, because I need an ending to this tale.

I thought closure was an abstract concept.

But it’s really not, since I’ve realized that I cannot live without it.

I will tell him how I feel.

If not for my benefit, then for the benefit of those who come after me.

Yet I know that one day, you will look at the person sleeping next to you.

And think that it’s someone else’s place.

My place.

I just couldn’t reach you in time.

But by then it will be too late for you and not me.

Coming To An End.

Empty words,
That is what you are to me now.

Unfulfilled promises,
Which I can’t even bear to think about.

A room with a view and your arms,
Are things I need to forget.

Crippled by love,
You used me time after time.

Can’t stop this sinking feeling,
As memories pour through me.

You’re sick in the head,
A mind of deceit and narcissism.

Clutching at thoughts of you,
Before I am strong enough to shut the door.

Don’t change your mind,
As I can’t drown in this again.

in love with a narcissist.

 

Honestly though. This is going to be a personal post (which will probably end up getting deleted, since that’s what I usually do when drunk).  Just looking up traits which indicate that someone has narcissistic personality disorder, I was left flabbergasted. I wonder how I did not see this sooner. I knew he was arrogant, but I find it fascinating how every single trait applies to him. Just a list;

  • Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
  • Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
  • Exaggerating your achievements and talents
  • Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
  • Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
  • Requiring constant admiration
  • Having a sense of entitlement
  • Expecting special favours and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
  • Taking advantage of others to get what you want
  • Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
  • Being envious of others and believing others envy you
  • Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

The problem still remains. If one has failed to recognize all of this before they have fallen in love with such a jerk, how can one get rid of that love?

Especially when you had been so blinded by it, that you did not even realize that the person was blatantly using you. Another list (a very personal one), which should illustrate just what I mean;

  • For the months that we saw each other, I always went to see him at his place. Across town. And whenever I tried to change this, he would just refuse to do anything about it. Being the silly fool that I am, I continued going over to him
  • He forgot my birthday. That is, if it wasn’t for facebook, he would probably not even have remembered, except that I had mentioned the date to him several times beforehand, so he had no justification for forgetting it
  • Actual setting from my birthday party – he arrived drunk and incredibly tired (fine, he had been working a lot that week, but he only had to be in the party mood for one evening). Within 20 minutes he was passed out on my bed, but he made sure to point out to the friends that I had not yet introduced him to, that we were just sleeping together (a joke, but really?)
  • Finally, what pisses me off the most, I’m leaving the country in two weeks and we haven’t seen each other for more than two weeks now. And it’s not for a lack of trying on my part. And once again, I get that he has to work, so doesn’t have a lot of free time, but it’s the fact that he arranges to meet me and then cancelled at the last moment (without even an apology) or just did not say anything at all. So I can only assume that I will not see him before I leave, since I refuse to arrange any further meetings

I’m aware that this list looks horrible and any sane person would have told him to fuck off immediately, but like I said fucking love. And also there were moments in between all of this which were so lovely, that it was easy to focus on them and ignore the bigger picture, which now that I have written down makes me nauseous. Which is why I need advice on how to get over it. When you’ve devoted so much of your time to thinking about a person, how can you not think about them again? How to forget the nice parts of this affair? How can one live like a normal human being again? (particularly when one already has an obsessive personality by default)

Any advice will be much appreciated x

Here We Go Again.

On a lilac sky evening like this,
It’s a shame to think about you.
When the first morning wind hits my eyes,
It’s pitiful to open them from a dream about you.

We’ve played this game before,
So I already know your moves.
Knowing me and knowing you,
This can go on forever.

As long as I am the one,
Who is persistent and willing.
If only I can endure the humiliation,
Which you continue to send my way.

These funny ways of yours,
Of being dishonest and heartless.
There is nothing I can do,
But try and focus on anything else.

Silence,
Is all I am bound to receive.
Silence,
Is what will heal me from this disease of loving you.

Living the Dream.

Blinds closed and curtains drawn,
You still shut your eyes,
As tightly as you can,
To block out the light.

Your throat aches for water,
Nicotine stains on your fingers,
You begin another day,
Of slaving away for hours,
Without knowing why.

The meds keep you among the living,
Your mind remains full of ideas,
And knowledge many can’t even comprehend.
People can still love you,
Yet you wonder why.

When you can’t give anything in return,
But a snide coldness,
With the occasional tender word,
Because you don’t understand,
Their love for a diseased soul.

What You Fail To See.

If you think I’m innocent,
I can only find it laughable.
If you assume that I know very little,
You can easily be proved wrong.

The stockings, the silk slips,
The love I give,
Is a facade that I have mastered,
To protect myself from the likes of you.

Even if sometimes,
The saccharine side of me,
Escapes from its reigns,
It’s not enough for you to be certain.

It’s all a show,
An adrenaline inducing,
Mind-altering and seductive,
Show.

If you don’t like it,
You can throw chains at me,
On my stage,
But I’ll never put them on.