After two strangely averted suicide attempts just this year and several failed attempts to go to a therapist, I feel quite lost.
It’s an indesribably disgusting feeling to appreciate all you have and yet at the same time to want to throw it all away.
Every single day is a new day of you chanting your resolution, as if it were a prayer – I’m going to change, I’m going to leave the house, I’m going to write, I’m going to read, I’m going to do … anything but lie in bed and think.
Yet it never happens, unless I don’t want to let someone down. Someone who has made plans with me. At least I can still function when it comes to that.
But how long before I can’t leave the house altogether?
Because of the fear that people will just give me a look? Because of the fact that I don’t even feel like I need food anymore? (which has been the case for months)
Even when I go for groceries, I always face the struggle of whether to buy alcohol.
And even though today was my ‘new start’ once again, I bought wine. And I nearly cried in the store, because I could not resist buying it.
I have not had a day without alcohol for over two months.
All I want is to be happy again, without needing something to make me feel happiness.
To just be happy.
If it sounds cliche, it’s because it is, but one must appreciate the fact that I haven’t truly felt this emotion for a long time.
I can’t see my future. At all. As hard as I try, my imagination is limited to a measly few months.
And that truly adds to my feeling of not being needed in this world, if I can’t even imagine my own future, let alone to try and improve someone else’s. (which would be my only goal as a lawyer if I was to finish my education)
I need to stop this emotional outburst, but let’s just say that this is a very, very small fraction of what is constantly going through my mind every second of the day.