Always the Same.

Can’t pretend you’ve gone yet,
As every time I close my eyes,
It takes me back,
Images running before my eyes,
Of every look you gave,
Every smile between us.

I lose myself in the pages of books,
And faceless people on the screen,
But I can only see the twisting lights,
Of the darkness,
Of our nights together.

This is my life,
And my weakness,
Saw you near the heaven,
Of a new life,
Yet you only held me there,
For a moment.

I’m tired of telling the same story,
Since this one was supposed to,
Have a different ending,
I ache again,
I hope you would reconsider.

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Silence.

Looking in the mirror,
Recognising the familiar expression,
Love gets in my eyes,
It’s making me cry.

Passing my hand over my cheek,
I still remember your touch,
Passing my fingers along my collarbone,
I still feel your kisses there.

I missed you tonight,
No comfort from cigarettes,
Can’t help looking back,
I want you to stay.

Wanting to relive every moment,
We spent together,
Now dreams of distant smiles,
Looking for what seemed out of place.

A room of changing colours,
Has turned dark,
No more time,
There’s only an echoing goodbye.

Epilogue.

Our candlelit shadows on the wall,
You held me close and poured out your heart,
Dancing in my arms until the morning light,
Eyes closed,
Just the two of us.

My whole heart wasn’t enough,
The nights spent waiting for you were worthless,
You wanted me to change,
And I did,
Yet here we are.

I don’t mean anything to you anymore.

You thought that one message,
Was enough to end this,
That it was decent,
That it wouldn’t tear me apart,
That it was the right thing to do.

While I stood there amongst people,
Reading the words,
Forced to push through the day,
With a fake smile,
Trying to understand how you could be so cruel.

I resent you and your mind,
For hurting me again,
For making me feel used again,
For feeding my delusions,
For giving up on this.

Love in Motion.

It was unexpected.

The way in which you came into my life,
Unlocking a door within me,
Which had been closed for a long time.

You ripped apart the sombre melody,
A tune to which I had been
Living day by day.

Pulling me out of my closed-in living,
You’ve made me want to give up my vices,
And venture out into the terrifying and exciting.

Every moment with you is a dream,
I want to cherish and remember,
On nights when you’re not here.

You told me to turn off the light,
Only our breathing in the darkness,
Your hands feeling the curves of my body.

Whispers of encouragement and affection,
As you showed me your world,
To help me see why mine was flawed.

Feeling my insecurites slip away,
Drops of venom,
Which had been eating away at my mind.

It still seems surreal.

Give Me Tonight.

This is a compilation of sentences from my diary. Somehow it turned into a quasi-poem.

***

Spending summer nights dancing alone,
Wishing you were there with me,
Looking out the dusty window,
On the passersby,
Imagining you by my side.

In the harsh morning light,
Your bloodshot eyes,
The slightly greying hair,
Being incredibly shy again,
Wanting to hold you in my arms.

As you were about to leave,
You said,
‘Thanks for putting up with me’,
Oh not that difficult,
When you really want to, dear.

All I want is to drink and talk with you,
The smoke from our cigarettes intertwining,
Have you sleep next to me again,
And if that’s not beautiful,
I don’t know what is.

Just can’t be anything other than who I am, I suppose.

Love, baby

Lights flashing on your windowsill,
Enveloped by the indigo haze of a lamp,
And the clouds of smoke built up,
From countless cigarettes,
You can’t help but smile.

The loneliness eating away at,
The remnants of your fragile mind,
Seems worth it,
Because it feels meaningful.

You would not exchange these,
Countless hours of thoughts,
The endless glasses of wine consumed,
All dedicated to one being,
As little he may care for you.

Irresistable melancholy,
Fills the time you have to yourself,
While you enjoy it,
Through the songs and memories,
Which bring it all together.

Not a day goes by,
In which you don’t indulge in this ritual,
Of remembering what made you weak,
Of what made you feel love,
Of what let you dream.

In the Attic of My Mind.

The fact that you despise me,
Despite only having seen my good side,
Petrifies and destroys me,
Whenever I catch myself thinking about the things we’ve seen.

Polished against haphazard,
Me against you,
A lonely heart wanting to give all,
Belligerent in this fight,
Against complete apathy.

Don’t let me slip back into the despair,
Of one-night stands,
Walking home at eight in the morning,
Blending into the crowd of put-together people,
My make-up running,
In my dark and lacy clothes.

You knew,
That I loved you,
But you threw it away,
When the going got tough,
To pursue someone else.

Since I’ve been loving you,
I’ve lost my mind,
Colours, dizziness, ideas,
Overtake my conscious being,
Leaving my soul in the attic,
Of a broken mind.