Numbing myself to pain.

Some people use drugs, some use alcohol (which is also my poison), but I’ve realized that for the past year and a half I have used YouTube. It all started during the worst phase of my depression, when I did not socialize and just stayed at home. I would watch videos from nine o’clock in the morning to 2 o’clock in the morning, or until I fell asleep. Pointless things, because I have never bought the make-up these people recommend, the clothes they wear, have never considered the diets they promote or the food they eat. But this stream of absolute pointlessness and ‘junk’ helps me shut off my brain and my thoughts for hours on end. I have not stopped this habit and now it has become a part of my everyday life.

I hate myself for it, because I know that I am losing time. I am wasting away. But it has turned into an addiction. It is so much easier to not think and avoid everything around me. Every time I decide that this is it and that I will do something worthwhile with my time, something else happens in my life, which once again makes me yearn for this drug.


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