Some excerpts from a diary, which does not cease to demonstrate the same feelings time and time again. How does one cope with rejection? An unrequited love which looms over you like a ghost, ruling over your life. The following fragments are even more saddening when considering that the very same words go back to 2014 and 2013. Perhaps you will find something familiar in these words of someone who is on the brink of madness.
The tarot cards cleverly pointed out that this is the time for me to look towards achieving my fantasies, where relationships are concerned at least. The issue with that is that except for scenarios of revenge regarding an old unrequited love, I have not really yearned for anything else. Yes, there have been the odd fantasies here and there, but there is nothing I truly want. Or rather nobody I would like to be with. Perhaps they are just not in my life yet.
Today cold sunshine made me feel brighter and livelier. Amongst the light snow, candles and the nostalgic songs as well as my thoughts, I feel very lost. Yesterday was another unexpected burst of the very same old person, the same old song. Is it my fault that I remember him so much? How can I not? When I mentioned before that only thoughts of revenge seemed relevant and appealing, I believe that whole-heartedly. It is the last thing I think of before I go to sleep, the first thing I think of when I hear a melancholy song (of which there are many).
This makes me emotional, upset, angry and most of all hopeless, because I know the ideas will never materialise. And if by some chance they do, they would not be how I have planned them. J was indifferent to me then and I would leave him indifferent once again. This affection, infatuation has always been one-sided, so why should it be any different if we meet again?
Love hurts, but still we are drawn to it, because it creates an ambiance of sweet madness that follows you, whispering ideas for fantasies all the time. Now I am stuck, like an old vinyl, in this one particular dream, dull and painful, which haunts because it reminds me that I will never be able to return to those feelings.
I was so very ‘normal’ before that affair. The last three years have been a dark time of mistrust, depression, terrible choices, reckless behaviour and isolation within a mind which offers no warmth, comfort or consolation. Or even a glimmer of hope. A descent to which I see no end.