This Time of Night.

You see me before I see you.

Your eyes widen.
Quick steps to catch a breath,
Hidden from view.
You choke on your guilt,
As forgotten memories,
Resurface and time has
Put them into perspective.

This feeling lingers.
A sense of conquering you.
All pleasure and no pain,
You got through our affair easy.
Now we’ll both feel the same.

Though your pain will be different,
Not the claw digging into a disappointed heart,
But rather a thought that haunts,
With its roots reaching into
Every goddamn cell in your brain.
At least for a few days.

Without you the night goes on,
Lonely faces shining back at me,
From every glossy surface.
No sleep, it’s no dream,
I don’t want to dream it,
I want to live it again.

To note every single movement word look breath.
This image of you as a mere outline of a man,
With your lobster red skin,
The colour of shame and remorse,
As you had to look me in the eye again.

The next morning comes with bliss.
The smell of coffee is slow to disappear around me.
Me alone.
Yet every time I remember you falling like this,
This memory of a forgotten feeling,
I can let myself smile.

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Always the Same.

Can’t pretend you’ve gone yet,
As every time I close my eyes,
It takes me back,
Images running before my eyes,
Of every look you gave,
Every smile between us.

I lose myself in the pages of books,
And faceless people on the screen,
But I can only see the twisting lights,
Of the darkness,
Of our nights together.

This is my life,
And my weakness,
Saw you near the heaven,
Of a new life,
Yet you only held me there,
For a moment.

I’m tired of telling the same story,
Since this one was supposed to,
Have a different ending,
I ache again,
I hope you would reconsider.

down memory lane.

 

Reading old diaries is both terrifying and fun. Here are some conclusions that I’ve drawn from my own;

  • I am so glad that I am no longer the broken person that I was a few years ago. It’s truly horrible to read the nonsensical insights I had about why I was sad, because you can just see someone who is struggling so hard to to understand why, when there was no why,
  • I have no regrets when it comes to my past choices, even the most awful ones, yet the only thing that saddens me is that my mind was unable to distinguish between what was important and what wasn’t in terms of how much attention I was paying to certain things,
  • I feel like a completely different person now. Reading about how I felt low all the time and how I did not want to leave the house is heartbreaking, but at the same time I know I am not in that place anymore. Just now, having gone home, I went to the theatre, to a museum, to the cinema, drove to a different city, saw all of my friends and family (who I am genuinely more excited to interact with now, since I feel better about myself and less afraid of them judging me because I feel sad), and all this in the span of seven days,
  • I can easily identify the positive moments from the past. that I couldn’t at the time, because my mind was so clouded, so now I can just look back at the times I’m fond of, rather than sinking in these dreary thoughts about tragic memories,
  • A clean slate would be good. Not completely, because I don’t think that’s ever entirely possible, but as much as one can afford to change some small things.

 

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the letter I didn’t send.

I feel quite a lot of resentment towards you right now.

Because I feel used.

Because of the fact that, as I understood from your messages, this thought had been at the back of your mind for a long time, so you could have brought it up any of the times that you came over. And knowing that you were thinking this the whole time, makes me feel even more like an idiot.

Finally, because of how you handled it. It was just really upsetting and inconsiderate. I understand that it feels liberating to finally say what has been on your mind for so long, but I feel like you just didn’t think about me at all in that moment. To suddenly receive these texts out of nowhere while I was in the middle of hosting a party for people, just meant that I couldn’t even process it and that I didn’t know what to do with myself. And the fact that you couldn’t wait and then come over, and talk about this in person, but rather just wrote these throw-away facebook messages is painful.

When you’ve become attached to someone and you care a lot about them, to realise that they don’t really give a damn about you just fucking hurts.

So I’m sorry, if I’m not feeling particularly friendly at the moment.

Silence.

Looking in the mirror,
Recognising the familiar expression,
Love gets in my eyes,
It’s making me cry.

Passing my hand over my cheek,
I still remember your touch,
Passing my fingers along my collarbone,
I still feel your kisses there.

I missed you tonight,
No comfort from cigarettes,
Can’t help looking back,
I want you to stay.

Wanting to relive every moment,
We spent together,
Now dreams of distant smiles,
Looking for what seemed out of place.

A room of changing colours,
Has turned dark,
No more time,
There’s only an echoing goodbye.

Epilogue.

Our candlelit shadows on the wall,
You held me close and poured out your heart,
Dancing in my arms until the morning light,
Eyes closed,
Just the two of us.

My whole heart wasn’t enough,
The nights spent waiting for you were worthless,
You wanted me to change,
And I did,
Yet here we are.

I don’t mean anything to you anymore.

You thought that one message,
Was enough to end this,
That it was decent,
That it wouldn’t tear me apart,
That it was the right thing to do.

While I stood there amongst people,
Reading the words,
Forced to push through the day,
With a fake smile,
Trying to understand how you could be so cruel.

I resent you and your mind,
For hurting me again,
For making me feel used again,
For feeding my delusions,
For giving up on this.