Love in Motion.

It was unexpected.

The way in which you came into my life,
Unlocking a door within me,
Which had been closed for a long time.

You ripped apart the sombre melody,
A tune to which I had been
Living day by day.

Pulling me out of my closed-in living,
You’ve made want to give up my vices,
And venture out into the terrifying and exciting.

Every moment with you is a dream,
I want to cherish and remember,
On nights when you’re not here.

You told me to turn off the light,
Only our breathing in the darkness,
Your hands feeling the curves of my body.

Whispers of encouragement and affection,
As you showed me your world,
To help me see why mine was flawed.

Feeling my insecurites slip away,
Drops of venom,
Which had been eating away at my mind.

It still seems surreal.


Killed This.

Music is playing in the darkness,
Holding my heart in your hands,
Every word you say,
Makes it worse,
Makes my mind go dizzy.

I never could foresee the cruelty,
Now it’s not easy for me to let go,
As I still remember,
Every kiss I gave,
Remember your arms around me.

Another ghost of memories to haunt me,
For an already scarred heart,
Feeling used again,
Something I could write the book on,
Yet we almost had it all, darling.

Your words echo in this room night and day,
How you want to paint my eyes, my lips, my collarbone,
With me wishing I had never met you,
Still hiding the traces of tears,
That keep running down my cheeks.

Give Me Tonight.

This is a compilation of sentences from my diary. Somehow it turned into a quasi-poem.


Spending summer nights dancing alone,
Wishing you were there with me,
Looking out the dusty window,
On the passersby,
Imagining you by my side.

In the harsh morning light,
Your bloodshot eyes,
The slightly greying hair,
Being incredibly shy again,
Wanting to hold you in my arms.

As you were about to leave,
You said,
‘Thanks for putting up with me’,
Oh not that difficult,
When you really want to, dear.

All I want is to drink and talk with you,
The smoke from our cigarettes intertwining,
Have you sleep next to me again,
And if that’s not beautiful,
I don’t know what is.

Just can’t be anything other than who I am, I suppose.

Love, baby

Lights flashing on your windowsill,
Enveloped by the indigo haze of a lamp,
And the clouds of smoke built up,
From countless cigarettes,
You can’t help but smile.

The loneliness eating away at,
The remnants of your fragile mind,
Seems worth it,
Because it feels meaningful.

You would not exchange these,
Countless hours of thoughts,
The endless glasses of wine consumed,
All dedicated to one being,
As little he may care for you.

Irresistable melancholy,
Fills the time you have to yourself,
While you enjoy it,
Through the songs and memories,
Which bring it all together.

Not a day goes by,
In which you don’t indulge in this ritual,
Of remembering what made you weak,
Of what made you feel love,
Of what let you dream.

In the Attic of My Mind.

The fact that you despise me,
Despite only having seen my good side,
Petrifies and destroys me,
Whenever I catch myself thinking about the things we’ve seen.

Polished against haphazard,
Me against you,
A lonely heart wanting to give all,
Belligerent in this fight,
Against complete apathy.

Don’t let me slip back into the despair,
Of one-night stands,
Walking home at eight in the morning,
Blending into the crowd of put-together people,
My make-up running,
In my dark and lacy clothes.

You knew,
That I loved you,
But you threw it away,
When the going got tough,
To pursue someone else.

Since I’ve been loving you,
I’ve lost my mind,
Colours, dizziness, ideas,
Overtake my conscious being,
Leaving my soul in the attic,
Of a broken mind.

Another (very) personal post.

After two strangely averted suicide attempts just this year and several failed attempts to go to a therapist, I feel quite lost.

It’s an indesribably disgusting feeling to appreciate all you have and yet at the same time to want to throw it all away.

Every single day is a new day of you chanting your resolution, as if it were a prayer – I’m going to change, I’m going to leave the house, I’m going to write, I’m going to read, I’m going to do … anything but lie in bed and think.

Yet it never happens, unless I don’t want to let someone down. Someone who has made plans with me. At least I can still function when it comes to that.

But how long before I can’t leave the house altogether?

Because of the fear that people will just give me a look? Because of the fact that I don’t even feel like I need food anymore? (which has been the case for months)

Even when I go for groceries, I always face the struggle of whether to buy alcohol.

And even though today was my ‘new start’ once again, I bought wine. And I nearly cried in the store, because I could not resist buying it.

I have not had a day without alcohol for over two months.

All I want is to be happy again, without needing something to make me feel happiness.

To just be happy.

If it sounds cliche, it’s because it is, but one must appreciate the fact that I haven’t truly felt this emotion for a long time.

I can’t see my future. At all. As hard as I try, my imagination is limited to a measly few months.

And that truly adds to my feeling of not being needed in this world, if I can’t even imagine my own future, let alone to try and improve someone else’s. (which would be my only goal as a lawyer if I was to finish my education)

I need to stop this emotional outburst, but let’s just say that this is a very, very small fraction of what is constantly going through my mind every second of the day.