Another (very) personal post.

After two strangely averted suicide attempts just this year and several failed attempts to go to a therapist, I feel quite lost.

It’s an indesribably disgusting feeling to appreciate all you have and yet at the same time to want to throw it all away.

Every single day is a new day of you chanting your resolution, as if it were a prayer – I’m going to change, I’m going to leave the house, I’m going to write, I’m going to read, I’m going to do … anything but lie in bed and think.

Yet it never happens, unless I don’t want to let someone down. Someone who has made plans with me. At least I can still function when it comes to that.

But how long before I can’t leave the house altogether?

Because of the fear that people will just give me a look? Because of the fact that I don’t even feel like I need food anymore? (which has been the case for months)

Even when I go for groceries, I always face the struggle of whether to buy alcohol.

And even though today was my ‘new start’ once again, I bought wine. And I nearly cried in the store, because I could not resist buying it.

I have not had a day without alcohol for over two months.

All I want is to be happy again, without needing something to make me feel happiness.

To just be happy.

If it sounds cliche, it’s because it is, but one must appreciate the fact that I haven’t truly felt this emotion for a long time.

I can’t see my future. At all. As hard as I try, my imagination is limited to a measly few months.

And that truly adds to my feeling of not being needed in this world, if I can’t even imagine my own future, let alone to try and improve someone else’s. (which would be my only goal as a lawyer if I was to finish my education)

I need to stop this emotional outburst, but let’s just say that this is a very, very small fraction of what is constantly going through my mind every second of the day.


[press repeat]

Cheeks a shade of electric crimson,
Cut with a sharp line,
Like a New Romantic,
Looking for a love,
In these modern times,
You blow clouds of smoke,
At the open window,
Consumed by thoughts,
Of your tormentor.

You live on the smallest of signs,
It takes a lot to love him,
And you know,
That you can’t be bothered anymore,
Throwing on your sequined jacket,
Heading out the door,
You cast another look at the phone,
Just a look of love,
At an object which now represents,
All the pain of loving him.

Lost in a medley of tunes,
And the loud laughter of your people,
You’re falling into a sinkhole of memories,
You need the ecstasy and tragedy,
That comes with being near him,
Sip your drink and give them a smile,
Show them the perfect made-up exterior,
As your soul disappears piece by piece,
Into the past.

About Us.

You are the wilting crimson roses on my table,
Rotting, losing their beauty day by day,
As I stare at them with sorrow,
Wishing to preserve what will be lost.

I will always remember that evening,
When you sang those words to me,
‘You’re out of touch, I’m out of time,
But I’m out of my head when you’re not around’.

Softly, the disco lights turning blindingly around us,
You said that you missed this,
And I said that I did too,
But it was a lie.

I could not tell you,
That I could not live without it,
That this second beginning,
Gave me back my vitality.

Careful what you wish for,
As it becomes more painful by the day,
When I realize how little you care,
And how obsessed I’ve become.

Just A Look.

Look at me,
I’m the ice tea that will,
Quench your thirst on a hot summer’s night.

Look at me,
I’m made of a hundred percent pure spirit,
To intoxicate in the red lights of a bar.

Look at me,
I can be who you want me to be,
Because everything is always just as you want.

Look at me,
Last night’s escapades are still as bright,
As the smoke and lights of the venue.

Look at me,
Can you just imagine us,
Starting it again in the middle of this storm.

Why the fuck are you looking at me,
When you can’t even see
Just me.

Why the fuck are you looking at me,
If there are others around,
Who you value more.

Why the fuck are you looking at me,
Despite the apathy,
Which you harbour.

Why the fuck are you looking at me,
If you know that you couldn’t care less,
About these little occassions.

In the silence.


I hate thinking about revenge.

But unfortunately that is all I can think of when someone has been a complete jerk.

All I can do is imagine all the situations in which I would tell him;

“I’m so angry at you, I feel like I could slap you,”

“We are not friends though,”

“How could you be so heartless?”

And so on.

The fantasies fill my head, because I need an ending to this tale.

I thought closure was an abstract concept.

But it’s really not, since I’ve realized that I cannot live without it.

I will tell him how I feel.

If not for my benefit, then for the benefit of those who come after me.

Yet I know that one day, you will look at the person sleeping next to you.

And think that it’s someone else’s place.

My place.

I just couldn’t reach you in time.

But by then it will be too late for you and not me.

Coming To An End.

Empty words,
That is what you are to me now.

Unfulfilled promises,
Which I can’t even bear to think about.

A room with a view and your arms,
Are things I need to forget.

Crippled by love,
You used me time after time.

Can’t stop this sinking feeling,
As memories pour through me.

You’re sick in the head,
A mind of deceit and narcissism.

Clutching at thoughts of you,
Before I am strong enough to shut the door.

Don’t change your mind,
As I can’t drown in this again.

in love with a narcissist.


Honestly though. This is going to be a personal post (which will probably end up getting deleted, since that’s what I usually do when drunk).  Just looking up traits which indicate that someone has narcissistic personality disorder, I was left flabbergasted. I wonder how I did not see this sooner. I knew he was arrogant, but I find it fascinating how every single trait applies to him. Just a list;

  • Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance
  • Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
  • Exaggerating your achievements and talents
  • Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
  • Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people
  • Requiring constant admiration
  • Having a sense of entitlement
  • Expecting special favours and unquestioning compliance with your expectations
  • Taking advantage of others to get what you want
  • Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
  • Being envious of others and believing others envy you
  • Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner

The problem still remains. If one has failed to recognize all of this before they have fallen in love with such a jerk, how can one get rid of that love?

Especially when you had been so blinded by it, that you did not even realize that the person was blatantly using you. Another list (a very personal one), which should illustrate just what I mean;

  • For the months that we saw each other, I always went to see him at his place. Across town. And whenever I tried to change this, he would just refuse to do anything about it. Being the silly fool that I am, I continued going over to him
  • He forgot my birthday. That is, if it wasn’t for facebook, he would probably not even have remembered, except that I had mentioned the date to him several times beforehand, so he had no justification for forgetting it
  • Actual setting from my birthday party – he arrived drunk and incredibly tired (fine, he had been working a lot that week, but he only had to be in the party mood for one evening). Within 20 minutes he was passed out on my bed, but he made sure to point out to the friends that I had not yet introduced him to, that we were just sleeping together (a joke, but really?)
  • Finally, what pisses me off the most, I’m leaving the country in two weeks and we haven’t seen each other for more than two weeks now. And it’s not for a lack of trying on my part. And once again, I get that he has to work, so doesn’t have a lot of free time, but it’s the fact that he arranges to meet me and then cancelled at the last moment (without even an apology) or just did not say anything at all. So I can only assume that I will not see him before I leave, since I refuse to arrange any further meetings

I’m aware that this list looks horrible and any sane person would have told him to fuck off immediately, but like I said fucking love. And also there were moments in between all of this which were so lovely, that it was easy to focus on them and ignore the bigger picture, which now that I have written down makes me nauseous. Which is why I need advice on how to get over it. When you’ve devoted so much of your time to thinking about a person, how can you not think about them again? How to forget the nice parts of this affair? How can one live like a normal human being again? (particularly when one already has an obsessive personality by default)

Any advice will be much appreciated x